On Rocky

"You ain't gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "This kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother."

When I first heard Rocky's speech, I felt like he was telling me to "snap out of it," to "shake it off." That sort of hurt. Those are phrases I don't like to hear. If you're telling me to snap out of it, then you clearly don't understand how all this works. You don't understand that if I could simply snap out of it, I would have done that long ago. But I can't, so I haven't.

Rocky is right: the world is most definitely not sunshine and rainbows. It is full of dark, difficult things that we must experience. And it does "beat you to your knees."

I don't really understand how to "keep moving forward." I suppose that's like getting out of bed each day and facing the world no matter how hard it seems. And winning? Since life is a battle, I suppose you can win. Maybe winning happens when you get to the end of the day and say to yourself, "I've done all I can do, and that's enough."

"If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth." Maybe, "If you know what you WANT, then go out and get what you WANT." That's where fighting comes in--fighting your battle.

The phrase from Rocky's speech that I understand best comes near the end when he says, "Until you start believing in yourself, you're not going to have a life." To me, this means that if you spend your whole life wound up in your battle, you'll miss those small, beautiful things that occur every day.

On Tutoring

As life's challenges continued to pile up and overwhelm me, I began to lose hope. I was prepared to surrender--to give up on my battle. But that is impossible; life is a battle from beginning to end.

There was one question that was always in the front of my mind, and I felt that if I could find that answer, everything else would fall into place. But it's a question I've had for many years now, and it was hard for me to believe I would receive that answer any time soon. I was so desperate for some small glimmer of light, but I didn't know where to find it.

What I needed was a tailored blessing--a blessing that specifically answered that big question on my mind. I immersed myself in a search for an answer. Does the Lord give tailored blessings to His children?

I found many examples in the scriptures. When the Lamanites were overshadowed by the cloud of darkness, they cried unto the Lord. The cloud of darkness was dispersed and they were surrounded by light (Helaman 5:40-43). When Alma saw his son seeking to destroy the church, he prayed that his son would stop preaching against the church and would be obedient. An angel appeared to Alma the Younger and he ceased to do evil (Mosiah 27:14). When Enos became repentant, he cried unto the Lord for a whole day that he might be forgiven. The Lord told Enos that because of his faith in Christ, his sins were forgiven (Enos 1:4-8). After Job had experienced all his earthly trials, he prayed to the Lord, and the Lord restored all that he had and more (Job 42:10, 12).

As I continued to find more examples of the Lord's tailored blessings for His children, I came to realize that those who received tailored blessings received them because they prayed for them and had enough faith that they would be blessed. I became discouraged all over again. I didn't think I had that kind of faith--that the Lord would bless me.

I began a study on faith wherein I learned that to have even a particle of faith is enough (Alma 32:27). I just have to keep nourishing that faith and let it continue to grow. At this point, I questioned if I could ever have so strong a faith as to know without any doubt. I learned that even after nourishing that faith, my knowledge wouldn't be perfect, but I would "know [that] the seed was good" (Alma 32:36).

More studies and reflections on faith brought me to the conclusion that having faith meant being patient and willing to wait on the Lord's time. It meant being selfless and humble. I'm a patient person, and I don't mind waiting, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for my tailored blessing. I was desperate for an answer to my questions. I couldn't understand why the Lord was asking me to wait when I was experiencing so much confusion.

In searching for understanding, I've come to the conclusion that I am in the midst of what Elder Neal A Maxwell called a "divine tutorial"--that is, an opportunity given by the Lord to learn and grow spiritually. My faith is being tested, but I am developing spiritual endurance. C.S. Lewis illustrated a divine tutorial when he wrote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord tells his servants, "And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along" (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18). He knows I cannot make it alone; He's promised to help me. So, I suppose I'm ready to fight my battle--from beginning to end.

On Sisters

A recently published study from Brigham Young University found that having a sister makes adolescents less likely to experience feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious, or fearful.

I've been blessed with four beautiful sisters. They are truly my best friends. My older sister was my closest friend during my early adolescence. We went to activities together all the time; she let me tag along even though I was two years behind her. I think at the time we both wished we had more friends to do fun things with, but now I don't mind so much that we often only had each other.

There are four years between me and my sister just below me. We weren't the best of friends while I was at home, but I am so happy that we are pals now. Our phone conversations last for hours and are often about nothing in particular, just what we did that week, or what our friends are up to. And that's fine with me. I am so glad that our relationship has become better, but I regret that I waited until moving away from home to get there.

Sister number three. She has such a special spirit. I see so much of myself in her, and I worry about her because of that. I want her to be happy and to be so much more than I was at her age. She's coming up on some difficult years, and that scares me. I want her to know who she is and be ok with that.

My fourth sister brings the greatest joy into my life. Whenever things get difficult for me, I just think about her and I feel better. She is the baby of the family, and I often wonder if we (her family) automatically treat her like she is younger than she really is because of that. She also has difficulty with her speech, which sometimes makes her seem younger than she is. She is very smart, just sometimes it is difficult to understand what she is saying. I love her so much. Over the summer, she started asking if she could call me. Since then, my mother has informed me that she's memorized my phone number (but she doesn't know her own phone number), and now she calls me on her own all the time. Usually she just says hi, then asks if I want to talk to mom or dad. But sometimes she'll ask what I've been up to. Sometimes she tells me what she's been doing, but I rarely understand what she's saying. It just makes me feel so loved to know she is thinking about me and she misses me. She has so much energy in her little body, and often does the silliest things. Last time I went home, we were grocery shopping and she picked up a pair of glasses from a display. I had to take a picture:



I cannot help but smile whenever I see this picture. It's a perfect example of how happy she is to be alive.

I have the best sisters. I love them so much. I'm afraid they will never know how important they are to me, how much joy they bring to my life.

Egg Rolls

1 tbsp vegetable oil
1 lb finely chopped pork or chicken
1/2 tsp ginger
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 head cabbage, finely chopped
1/2 cup grated carrot
1/2 cup finely chopped mushrooms
1 tbsp soy sauce
1 egg
1 lb package egg roll wraps
vegetable oil for frying

To make the filling, first coat the bottom of a large frying pan with oil. Add the meat and cook thoroughly. Add garlic and ginger. Stir to coat the meat. Add cabbage, carrots, mushrooms, and soy sauce. Stir-fry until cabbage is soft (10-15 minutes). Remove pan from heat.


Crack egg into a bowl and beat with a fork. Add approximately 3 tbsp cold water and mix well to form an egg wash.

Lay one egg roll wrap on a plate with a point facing toward you. Place two heaping spoonfuls of the filling near the center of the wrap.


Begin wrapping egg roll by folding up the bottom corner.


Fold over the two sides.


Roll the egg roll upwards once.


Using a pastry brush, paint a thin layer of the egg wash on the egg roll. This will help to seal the roll so it doesn't come unwrapped.


Fold the last corner down.


Heat the oil to a medium high heat. Place egg roll in oil and fry until wrap is golden brown. Flip with tongs. Fry second side until golden brown. Place cooked egg roll on a paper towel to drain off excess oil.




Serve egg rolls with fried rice or sweet and sour sauce.


This recipe makes approximately enough filling for a 1 lb package of wraps. Egg rolls can be frozen for later use. After wrapping egg rolls, freeze on a tray until hard, then place in freezer bags. Thaw before frying.

Be careful with egg roll wraps! The dough is fragile and must stay cool to prevent drying and cracking.

On Custom Scheduling

Custom Scheduling: A term which here means at work, we aren't required to work our regularly scheduled shifts because school is not in session. Instead, employees sign up to work whatever shifts they want. Many of us work three and four shifts every day. It's physically and mentally draining. Custom scheduling after summer term began Friday and will last for two more weeks.

Day 1: Friday and the second day of graduation. My day began when I awoke at 7:30 to get ready for 13 hours of work. I sacrificed my Wheel of Fortune/Jeopardy! time, during which I would have found out who won the Jeopardy! Teen Tournament (Apparently it was Rachel. She played very well throughout the tournament, so I'm not surprised.) as well as an epic Relief Society activity. Hopefully earning money for the coming semester of school will be worth it.

I clocked in just after 9:00 and began ringing up customers' groceries. Working a grocery shift allows for more interaction with customers than a bakery shift. I was rather surprised at some of the people I saw.

Early in the morning, a very young girl came through my line with her grandparents. She was given $5 to buy herself whatever she wanted. What did she choose? Ranch rolls from the bakery. (Ranch rolls are essentially dinner rolls.) She was back later for wrapping paper.

During the late afternoon, I noticed a lady walk through the door and stop to peruse the bakery display. Something was strange about her appearance, but it took some thinking to discover exactly what it was. Then, it came to me: she was wearing a fairly heavy black leather jacket, but it was a hot, sunny day with temperatures in the 90s. She also carried a black umbrella. Odd attire for this time of year. Eventually, she settled on a simple glazed donut. After paying, she asked a question that I found rather humorous. "Where can I go to 'cool down'?" I considered telling her to take off her jacket, but simply told her about the water park a few miles down the road. Shortly after she left, I noticed she'd left her umbrella.

As a cashier, we're required to be sure credit cards are signed before using them. The best last name of the day was "Honey".

A fellow came to my line to check the balance on his student ID card. $8.25. My favorite number.

As the final hours of this epic day of work approached, my body was protesting every movement. My feet ached and it was difficult to put on a friendly face for customers. One of my last customers was a very cheerful man, probably in his late sixties. As he spoke to me, the only thing I could think of was Friar Tuck from Disney's Robin Hood, as his voice sounded exactly the same as the Friar's. He asked me how I was doing, and I commented on how tired I was. I counted out his change and he passed back a fairly heafty tip. I declined as we aren't really supposed to accept tips. He threw it behind me. "Well, looks like someone dropped it." And he walked out the door. I soon realized he'd left his sack of groceries, so I quickly followed him. "You forgot your groceries," I said, smiling. He replied, "Well, I guess one good turn deserves another. Thank you."

After 13 hours, my drawer was overflowing with cash and I was not excited to count it all. The total revenue was nearly $5000; my deposit was nearly $1200. It was sort of exciting to hold that much cash, except it wasn't mine.

Day 2: Saturday. Nothing too special. My day started a little later, as I didn't need to be at work until 10:00. I baked from 10:00 until 4:00, rolling out 9 pans of brownies (52 brownies in total), 24 scotcheroos, 12 Rice Krispie Treats, 10 loaves of banana bread, and 12 mini loaves of banana bread. I bagged five dozen ranch rolls, 8 bread bowls, 12 loaves of French Bread, and 22 loaves of braided bread, all baked that morning. It was so nice to spend all that time in the bakery. Baking is my favorite thing to do at work.

My grocery shift began at 4:00. I wasn't excited to spend six more hours in grocery after the long day I'd had the day before. I kept it interesting by watching the people, keeping track of interesting things I saw.

A young lady close to my age brought in a ring she found on the sidewalk outside. We stashed it in the safe upstairs, doubting anyone would show up for it. A few hours later, an older woman came into the store. She was very shaken up--obviously quite upset. She was looking for her lost ring. The ring was retrieved from the safe and she was so thrilled--so relieved to see it was hers. She slid it right onto her finger. She explained to me that she had taken it off to put lotion on her hands, laying it in a napkin in her lap. She forgot about the ring and threw the napkin away. Later, she noticed it wasn't on her hand. She and her family came back and searched through the trash, but, of course, didn't find it. She had so much appreciation for the young lady who handed in the ring, that she was honest enough to return it to its owner.

A mother and her young son came through my line. As she dug through her purse to find change, I turned to the boy and said hi. He said hi and smiled back at me. I asked him what his name was. Dewey. I asked him how old he was. "I'm big!"

A father and his daughter bought some popcorn. She looked pretty excited, so I talked to her about it for a second. She told me that they were going to watch a princess movie together--a movie that wasn't scary.

After ringing up one fellow's groceries, I was thrilled to tell him his total: $8.25. I explained that 825 is my favorite number. He looked a little confused, so I explained that my birthday is 8/25. He said, "Oh, that's cool. My favorite number is just 9. Happy Birthday!"

Later in the evening, my feet were again aching, so I took to sitting on the counter when there weren't any customers in my line. At one point, a woman my mother's age was leaving the store with her husband. She told me to get back to work or else she would tell my manager. Little did she know, my manager was standing behind me, wasting time along with me.

Shania Twain's "Man! I Feel Like a Woman" came on the radio. I hate that song. It's awful. I was ringing up an older man's groceries at this point, and he started whistling. I was so afraid that he was going to whistle to the tune of the song. Fear not: he wasn't.

I clocked out after 12 hours of work, grateful it was all over for the week.

On Busy Mothers

On a warm summer afternoon, a young girl quietly sits on the couch in the living room. The sixth of eight children, she is barely five years old. She watches as her mother rushes from room to room in their small home. Her mother comes to a stop in front of her.

"What's wrong, mother?"

Flustered, her mother says, "Oh! I've looked everywhere, but I just cannot remember where I left the baby!"

Confused, the young girl replies, "But mother, you're holding her!"

Her mother looks down to see the baby sleeping soundly in her arms. She smiles and gently lays the infant in the young girl's arms. "Take the baby, dear. I think I need a nap."

On Embarrassment

This afternoon, I was changing my clothes as part of my getting-ready-to-go-to-class ritual. I live on the third floor, so I thought it was safe to leave the blinds open just where the air conditioner juts out in the window. Much to my surprise, I looked up to see the maintenance man's face appear in the window. He was fixing the gutter, or something. I was incredibly embarrassed because I wasn't dressed. I quickly closed the blinds and proceeded to laugh.