On Waiting

Life Left To Go
Safetysuit

Sometimes the edge serves
As more than a friend
Than you thought it would be
And the pages you write
In your journal each night
Are your only release
And the mask you put on
It's like words in a song
But there's more to be seen
And the failures you see
Don't seem failures to me here at all

Oh
I'm begging you no
There's more life left to go
Oh
I'm begging you please
Cause I don't want you to leave

Alone as you walk
Through a crowd and its awkward
Like nobody sees
And you can't help but wonder
Would anyone come after you
If you'd leave
So a pain grows inside
And a fear comes alive
Like you'll never be free
But there's no pain you feel
That I know love can't heal here at all

Oh
I'm begging you no
There's more life left to go
Oh
I'm begging you please
Cause I don't want you to leave me

To leave me here on my own
There's nothing to run from
Oh
There's nothing but fear inside you
Oh
I just hope I can find you
And tell you that I know you'll smile again

Oh
I'm begging you no
There's more life left to go
Oh
I'm begging you please
Cause I don't want you to leave

On Pressure

All is Said and Done
Vertical Horizon

I need you to hear me
I want you to feel this
It should be clear as fear
And plain as day

I’m not going to bend now
You’re not going to break me
You’ll never be hard enough to scratch my face

I wanted to fill you
I tried to belong here
With all of the ghosts and faded headlines
But I couldn’t read you
No you wouldn’t let me
You always pull away
From the ones you can’t define

[Chorus:]
Are you tired
Of holding up the sky
Teaching birds to fly
You’ve done it all your life

Oh baby are you sad
When you see the sun
‘Cause then you’re not the brightest one
When all is said and done
And honey all is said and done

I need to move through this
The waiting just kills me
Whatever you do is on you
I’m washed clean
No don’t be alarmed now
The story’s ending
These aren’t open arms
They’re just waving you away

[Chorus]

I need you to hear me
I want you to feel this
It should be clear as fear
And plain as day

[Chorus]

Are you tired
Of running for your life
When there’s no one left behind
Just the chaos in your mind

Oh baby are you sad
Each day you greet the sun
You know you’re not the brightest one
When all is said and done

You've reached the end of the day. It's time to wind down, breathe a sigh of relief, and say to yourself, "Self, you were awesome today." But it's not that simple. You accomplished everything on the day's "to do" list, but somehow that's not good enough. "Self, that's not acceptable. You should have been better."

It's hard work to give it your all everyday--painful, even. When you try your best, but you don't succeed. When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep. When the tears come streaming down your face. Could it be worse?

Yet you stand there, holding up the sky, ready to break under the pressure. If you let go, it will all come crashing down. This is your battle, from beginning to end.

Chicken Alfredo Pizza

Crust:
2 1/2 to 3 cups flour
2 1/2 tsp. yeast
1/2 tsp. salt
1 cup warm water

Alfredo Sauce:
4 tbsp. butter
1/4 cup flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. pepper
1 1/2 cups milk
1/3 cup grated Parmesan cheese
1 tbsp. Italian seasonings
1 tbsp. garlic powder

Pizza Toppings:
1 pound cooked chicken, diced
1/2 cup sliced olives
1 small onion, diced
1 medium tomato, diced
grated mozzarella cheese

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. To make the dough for the crust, combine 1 1/4 cups of the flour, the yeast, and the salt in a large mixing bowl. Add water. Stir until combined. Add remaining flour. Knead the dough until it is smooth and elastic. Let rest for 10 minutes. Grease a baking sheet with non-stick spray. Use your fingers to press the dough and form it to the shape of the pan. Bake for 10 to 15 minutes, just until the crust starts to brown.

While the crust bakes, make the Alfredo sauce. In a medium saucepan, combine butter and flour to make a roux. Add salt and pepper. Slowly stir in milk so sauce is smooth. Add Parmesan cheese, Italian seasonings, and garlic powder. Remove from heat.

Spread sauce over the crust. Add pizza toppings. Bake about 10 minutes longer, until the crust is golden brown and the cheese is bubbly.

On Normal

"Phoebe, why are you here?"

"Look. I think about Alice falling. And I look down, and I get scared."

"Yes."

"I don't want to do those things or say those things. I just have to. Except here. Everywhere else, I feel ugly.

"I want to tell you something, which may not make any sense, but I should say it just so that one day you might remember it, and maybe it will make you feel better. At a certain point in your life, probably when too much of it has gone by, you will open your eyes and see yourself for who you are--especially for everything that made you so different from all the awful normals. And you will say to yourself, 'But I am this person.' And in that statement--that correction--there will be a kind of love."

"I'm so scared."

"We all are."

So often, I look at myself and compare what I see to everyone else. All my differences and imperfections stand out. I find myself wanting so much to be "normal." I want to be like everyone else. I don't want to be different. I live my life fearing and hating those abnormalities that set me apart from everyone else. Like Phoebe, I think about how bad it is, and I get scared. And there aren't many safe places--places where it's ok for me to not be normal.

Who was it that defined all those awful normals? Did he just sit down one day and spell it out, then proclaim that everything else was unacceptable?

Someday, I want to open my eyes and see myself for who I am. I want to accept my differences. I want to correct myself and say, "But I am this person."

"I'm so scared."

"Are you always supposed to feel hope?"

On Rocky

"You ain't gonna believe this, but you used to fit right here. I'd hold you up to say to your mother, "This kid's gonna be the best kid in the world. This kid's gonna be somebody better than anybody I ever knew." And you grew up good and wonderful. It was great just watching you, every day was like a privilige. Then the time come for you to be your own man and take on the world, and you did. But somewhere along the line, you changed. You stopped being you. You let people stick a finger in your face and tell you you're no good. And when things got hard, you started looking for something to blame, like a big shadow. Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. Don't forget to visit your mother."

When I first heard Rocky's speech, I felt like he was telling me to "snap out of it," to "shake it off." That sort of hurt. Those are phrases I don't like to hear. If you're telling me to snap out of it, then you clearly don't understand how all this works. You don't understand that if I could simply snap out of it, I would have done that long ago. But I can't, so I haven't.

Rocky is right: the world is most definitely not sunshine and rainbows. It is full of dark, difficult things that we must experience. And it does "beat you to your knees."

I don't really understand how to "keep moving forward." I suppose that's like getting out of bed each day and facing the world no matter how hard it seems. And winning? Since life is a battle, I suppose you can win. Maybe winning happens when you get to the end of the day and say to yourself, "I've done all I can do, and that's enough."

"If you know what you're worth, then go out and get what you're worth." Maybe, "If you know what you WANT, then go out and get what you WANT." That's where fighting comes in--fighting your battle.

The phrase from Rocky's speech that I understand best comes near the end when he says, "Until you start believing in yourself, you're not going to have a life." To me, this means that if you spend your whole life wound up in your battle, you'll miss those small, beautiful things that occur every day.

On Tutoring

As life's challenges continued to pile up and overwhelm me, I began to lose hope. I was prepared to surrender--to give up on my battle. But that is impossible; life is a battle from beginning to end.

There was one question that was always in the front of my mind, and I felt that if I could find that answer, everything else would fall into place. But it's a question I've had for many years now, and it was hard for me to believe I would receive that answer any time soon. I was so desperate for some small glimmer of light, but I didn't know where to find it.

What I needed was a tailored blessing--a blessing that specifically answered that big question on my mind. I immersed myself in a search for an answer. Does the Lord give tailored blessings to His children?

I found many examples in the scriptures. When the Lamanites were overshadowed by the cloud of darkness, they cried unto the Lord. The cloud of darkness was dispersed and they were surrounded by light (Helaman 5:40-43). When Alma saw his son seeking to destroy the church, he prayed that his son would stop preaching against the church and would be obedient. An angel appeared to Alma the Younger and he ceased to do evil (Mosiah 27:14). When Enos became repentant, he cried unto the Lord for a whole day that he might be forgiven. The Lord told Enos that because of his faith in Christ, his sins were forgiven (Enos 1:4-8). After Job had experienced all his earthly trials, he prayed to the Lord, and the Lord restored all that he had and more (Job 42:10, 12).

As I continued to find more examples of the Lord's tailored blessings for His children, I came to realize that those who received tailored blessings received them because they prayed for them and had enough faith that they would be blessed. I became discouraged all over again. I didn't think I had that kind of faith--that the Lord would bless me.

I began a study on faith wherein I learned that to have even a particle of faith is enough (Alma 32:27). I just have to keep nourishing that faith and let it continue to grow. At this point, I questioned if I could ever have so strong a faith as to know without any doubt. I learned that even after nourishing that faith, my knowledge wouldn't be perfect, but I would "know [that] the seed was good" (Alma 32:36).

More studies and reflections on faith brought me to the conclusion that having faith meant being patient and willing to wait on the Lord's time. It meant being selfless and humble. I'm a patient person, and I don't mind waiting, but I wasn't sure how much longer I could wait for my tailored blessing. I was desperate for an answer to my questions. I couldn't understand why the Lord was asking me to wait when I was experiencing so much confusion.

In searching for understanding, I've come to the conclusion that I am in the midst of what Elder Neal A Maxwell called a "divine tutorial"--that is, an opportunity given by the Lord to learn and grow spiritually. My faith is being tested, but I am developing spiritual endurance. C.S. Lewis illustrated a divine tutorial when he wrote:

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on: you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently he starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of--throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were going to be made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace."

In the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord tells his servants, "And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along" (Doctrine and Covenants 78:18). He knows I cannot make it alone; He's promised to help me. So, I suppose I'm ready to fight my battle--from beginning to end.

On Sisters

A recently published study from Brigham Young University found that having a sister makes adolescents less likely to experience feeling lonely, unloved, guilty, self-conscious, or fearful.

I've been blessed with four beautiful sisters. They are truly my best friends. My older sister was my closest friend during my early adolescence. We went to activities together all the time; she let me tag along even though I was two years behind her. I think at the time we both wished we had more friends to do fun things with, but now I don't mind so much that we often only had each other.

There are four years between me and my sister just below me. We weren't the best of friends while I was at home, but I am so happy that we are pals now. Our phone conversations last for hours and are often about nothing in particular, just what we did that week, or what our friends are up to. And that's fine with me. I am so glad that our relationship has become better, but I regret that I waited until moving away from home to get there.

Sister number three. She has such a special spirit. I see so much of myself in her, and I worry about her because of that. I want her to be happy and to be so much more than I was at her age. She's coming up on some difficult years, and that scares me. I want her to know who she is and be ok with that.

My fourth sister brings the greatest joy into my life. Whenever things get difficult for me, I just think about her and I feel better. She is the baby of the family, and I often wonder if we (her family) automatically treat her like she is younger than she really is because of that. She also has difficulty with her speech, which sometimes makes her seem younger than she is. She is very smart, just sometimes it is difficult to understand what she is saying. I love her so much. Over the summer, she started asking if she could call me. Since then, my mother has informed me that she's memorized my phone number (but she doesn't know her own phone number), and now she calls me on her own all the time. Usually she just says hi, then asks if I want to talk to mom or dad. But sometimes she'll ask what I've been up to. Sometimes she tells me what she's been doing, but I rarely understand what she's saying. It just makes me feel so loved to know she is thinking about me and she misses me. She has so much energy in her little body, and often does the silliest things. Last time I went home, we were grocery shopping and she picked up a pair of glasses from a display. I had to take a picture:



I cannot help but smile whenever I see this picture. It's a perfect example of how happy she is to be alive.

I have the best sisters. I love them so much. I'm afraid they will never know how important they are to me, how much joy they bring to my life.